BodyArmor Tropical Mandarin

So, what I've caught on to is that if you want to sell beverages, you should add coconut water to your drink. Or at least, that's what it seems like. Anyway, BodyArmor is a new line of beverages to bear the coconut flavor, with 10% coconut water mixed in. My only question is why anyone would name a beverage company BodyArmor. Isn't that stuff made of steel? Whatever, this might be the drink that gets me off the string of abysmal beverages.

Color: Orange Gatorade. Or Tang. Yeah, the same Tang that went into space. Yup. Finally, a drink that isn't green.

Smell: Very orange. That's a good sign, affirming that the drink is actually natural. But there is another smell in there too, almost like a creamy scent.

Taste: It's one of the more interesting flavors I've tasted. Lots of tropical flavor in there, especially pineapple and mango. Then you get hit with some mandarin orange, as well. It has a nice tart flavor, which counters the sweetness nicely. And, if you are a coconut water fan, you'll be happy to know that you can taste the coconut. Not bad at all, actually. And it's pretty good for you too; the bottle has 100% or more of your daily value of 6 nutrients.

Rating: ****

It was pretty good. Not perfect, but pretty good. The best thing about it is all of the flavors mixing together. And, on a hot start to the Memorial Day weekend, it's pretty refreshing as well. I'd drink it again. That is, assuming I can find it again...

GT's Enlightened Organic Raw Kombucha Multigreen

Kombucha. You guessed it, this is another drink that's a direct result of the Whole Foods that just opened in my town. Of course, I bought it and headed straight to Google. Wanna know what this strange looking concoction is? Fermented tea. Now, that sounds disgusting. But, what's funny here is that it really isn't packaged to look tasty, but instead, packaged to look healthy. Don't get me wrong, I care about health, but shouldn't I want to drink it because it looks good? I mean, the stuff has blue-green algae in it. That was literally the first form of life ever on our planet. And now it is in a beverage? Give me a break. There is so much of the stuff in the bottom of the bottle, I'm gonna have to strain before I pour. I don't think I'll like this, but I'll try my best to stay unbiased.

Color: Oh god. It is truly the deepest, darkest green you can imagine. Scary, actually. Oh, and look what the result of my straining was!

Yup. That stuff is bacteria, it's alive, and I'm sure the strainer didn't catch all of it.

Smell: Yeast. Like, that fermented old-wine-cork smell. Odds are, if this had any more sugar in it, it would be an alcoholic beverage. (Author's Note: There is a ring of bacteria in the glass. Oh god help me.

Taste: (Here goes nothing) It fizzes. Apparently, the fermentation causes so much pressure that it fizzes. But anyway, it is really odd, and not good. It starts with an intense, almost sour fizzing feeling, and then becomes a mix of very earthy, bitter flavors. It is not sweet at all, and it is quite unpleasant overall. Just really, not good. Or at least, for my tastes. I won't be drinking it again any time soon. Then again, I drank a total of 5 mL of it just now, so this review may be a little off.

Rating: *

It fizzes. If it didn't fizz, I'd give it 2 stars solely because I didn't hurl, but it does. So, to the abyss of one-stardom it goes! Unless you enjoy drinking algae, never get this. Ever.

Columbia Gorge Coconut Water Celery Kale

Celery. Those myths that it burns calories? It does. Cool, right? I always thought so. I still don't like it, (except with my chicken wings) but here I am, drinking this. And then, there's Kale. I don't like that leafy green either. It has a bitter taste that I can't stand. And, you already know how I feel about coconut water. I mean, people! Celery, Kale, and Coconut, in the same bottle? Come on. America has taken health food too far. Go eat a Twinkie or two while I suffer through this one. (And yes, I support the Oxford comma.)

Color: It looks like split pea soup. Or toxic waste. Maybe I'll get superpowers! But really, this is only delaying the inevitable. We all know this will suck.

Smell: God awful. God awful. It smells exactly like what it is. And mixed with pepper. So, it is essentially liquid salad. Enjoy that thought, folks.

I'm so scared guys. Here goes nothing.

Taste: Oh god. It tastes like exactly what it's made of. Celery, Kale, and Coconut water. I took one sip and will not be taking another, for health reasons. It tastes peppery, and veggie-y. Really folks, it's just awful. Who thought this was a good idea? Who? OH GOD WHY IT IS SO FREAKING BAD!!! Even hippies that are obsessed with health and the benefits of veggies will hate this. Never buy this, ever.

Rating: *

The sadists at Columbia Gorge should be subjected to chugging a gallon of this. 'Nuff said. Excuse me while I sprint for an Arnold Palmer to clear this out of my system.

Guayaki Yerba Mate Traditional

If you've ever been in a specialty market, you've probably heard of Yerba Mate. If you've ever talked to an Argentinian, you've probably heard of Yerba Mate. If you haven't done either of those, then this stuff is probably pretty foreign to you. Yerba Mate (pronounced Yerba Ma-tay) is a traditional hot Argentinian tea that is served in a gourd (the Mate) with a special straw that filters out the leaves. Now, just because I know this doesn't mean I've ever tasted this stuff. It just means I can search google. But I've never heard of it served cold, so we'll see. 

Color: Looks like iced tea. And it is iced tea, just fancy iced tea. No surprise here.

Smell: It smells like tea, but there's something else there too. It smells like... nature? I guess? I don't know. You decide. It smells really good though, so I'm not too concerned about the taste. Wait, it's pineapple.

Taste: It's pretty lame. Only a little bit of tea flavor, and it isn't some exotic tea flavor either. To me, it tastes like really watery, sugary Lipton.  That's the weird thing. It is way too sweet for a tea drink not mixed with something. Almost like they wanted it to be really sweet, and the tea was an afterthought. There's nothing bad about it, it tastes fine, but at the same time, it's not good because it really doesn't taste like anything at all. Except sugar.

Rating: **

There's nothing disgusting about it, which is why I gave it 2 stars, but I wouldn't drink it again. It just has no flavor at all. It tastes like sugar, looks like beer, and smells like pineapple. Strange...

Mamma Chia Cherry Lime

Remember the Chia plant? You know, the Ch-ch-ch-Chia one? You took the terra cotta head, sprinkled the seeds on it, and watered it. Wait a week, and your head has a big head of green, leafy hair. And by now, you've probably realized that those little things floating in there are chia seeds. Yeah, the same ones that gave Scooby his leafy scalp are in this drink. That's the whole gimmick here. Otherwise, it's just a cherry lime drink. I'm actually kind of excited for this one, but at the same time, I'm hoping the chia seeds aren't too bad. Guess we'll find out.

Color: Red with little seeds in it. Everywhere. It could not look more like a jar of fruit preserves, actually. What I don't understand is how the seeds get suspended in the juice without them floating to the top. But not too creepy looking.

Smell: Swedish Fish. No mistaking it. There might be a little cherry in there, but really, it's Swedish Fish. Surprising, considering there's more lime in it than cherry. But it smells fine. 

Before I go to taste, since there is stuff actually in there with the liquid, we'll call it Taste/Texture.

Taste/Texture: That is some weird stuff there. When you first drink it, you don't really notice the seeds, but as it sits in your mouth, you soon realize what you're dealing with. The problem here is not actually the seeds themselves, but the fact that the seeds are surrounded by a little web of slimy fruit flesh. What fruit? The Chia? I don't even have a clue. This odd liquid/mucus/crunch texture, in my opinion, is really hard to swallow, not to mention the fact that you end up chewing your drink, which just feels wrong anyway. And, even worse, the flavor is so light that it can't even get my mind off the crazy little seeds in there. Add sugar and come back, people. It needs some sweetness. Not for me, but I could see some people really enjoying this. 

Rating: *

Bummer. I really wanted to like this. But take my review with a grain of salt, because it might just be my tastes that led me to not like this. I will not drink it again, but you should try it. You might enjoy it as, maybe, a slushy. Who knows? Give it a shot.

Bai Sumatra Dragonfruit

Dragonfruit. Yes, dragonfruit. Odds are, if VitaminWater Power-C (That flavor? The one we all like? Dragonfruit.) didn't exist, you would have no idea that this exotic fruit even existed. And if you've ever had the chance to eat it fresh, it is definitely a treat. And Sumatra? No freaking idea. Don't ask. Anyway, this drink is from a relatively new, unknown company called Bai. (This is what happens when your town gets a Whole Foods.)  I've never seen it before, but it really doesn't look bad at all. The only concern I have is whether it will really taste like dragonfruit or just that tropical flavor we all know and hate. Leggo.

Color: A pretty standard translucent red. It is the color of every other juice drink on Earth, really. For all the exotic stuff on the label, I'm underwhelmed that it looks like Snapple Apple.

Smell: It does smell like dragonfruit. It's likely that you wouldn't know what they smell like, but since I've hunted one down before, I can say it is authentic. 

Taste: Awesome. Just really freaking awesome. (Pours second cup) It does taste like real dragonfruit, almost with passionfruit too. If you don't know what either of those taste like, it is like a really good tropical gum. (Pours third cup) And apparently, it has coffeeberry in it too. Again, don't ask. It does not taste artificial at all, and not too heavy on the flavor either. The fact that this is marketed as low-calorie also keeps it from being too sugary. People, it has 10 calories a bottle! Drink it!

Rating: *****

Folks, we have a winner! This is the first drink to receive all five stars. Overall, this stuff is a really great blend of tropical fruits that is not overpowering or caloric, making it just really awesome overall. You may not find it at every grocery, but keep hunting, 'cause its worth it. And by the way, the whole bottle is empty now. I'm done here.

Zico Chocolate Coconut Water

Okay, so by now you've probably had coconut water. Even if you live in Canada, far from the tropics, companies like Zico and VitaCoco have made this exotic juice common. And normally, it comes mixed with something. If you've had it straight, you are a trooper. But that's besides the point. What I'm saying is that when it comes mixed, it is usually with something also tropical, like mango, or pineapple. But no. This is chocolate. And, yes, it has cream in it. Scared? Yeah. Time to pour!

Color: It is really just opaque brown. Like pudding brown. Not what I'd expect from something that is, in fact, coconut water. This has me concerned already.

Smell: Chocolate. Not coconut, but just chocolate. It is somewhere between hot chocolate mix and chocolate pudding jellybeans. But it smells like good chocolate, not artificial, so this is somewhat comforting.

Taste: It starts out really good. Like, a perfect chocolate jellybean in liquid form. That was awesome. But that only lasted a fraction of a second. You then are bombarded with the bitter taste of straight coconut water, a tough flavor to really verbalize, so I won;t try. And, unfortunately, that is the flavor that lasts after you drink it, not the good chocolate part. It isn't bad, it is just a really odd combination of flavors, and it isn't my favorite. That isn't saying you shouldn't try it; it was legitimately better than I expected it to be. The more I think about it, the more I like it, actually. And hey, it has more potassium than a banana. 

Rating: ***

It wasn't vile like I expected it to be, but it wasn't spectacular either. I won't reach for it over another flavor (except plain) any time soon, but I think this could be a good way to get people to try an otherwise strange type of juice. Worth a shot? Yes. Worth a second shot? Not for me. But you decide.

AriZona Chinese Apple Pomegranate Green Tea

And we're back! Back to reviewing, at least. We got some new beverages and we're ready to go!
So, this is AriZona tea. Yes, its usually good. But how good? Anyway, it has natural flavors and colors, (tree-huggers and hippies rejoice), which is always a plus. However, I think the question here will be whether or not there are too many flavors in the mix. I mean, chinese apples, pomegranates, and tea? Someone drank too much Monster. (Wait, I've just been informed that chinese apples and pomegranates are the same thing.) Never mind. To the beverage!

Color:    Red. Like, really electric, translucent red. How is this natural? I'm concerned because I expected it to be like reddish tea, but no, red.

Smell:    Sugar. Cold, straight sugar. And maybe some pomegranate. Maybe.


Taste:    It's actually pretty good. The tea is definitely more prevalent than the pomegranate here, but you can still taste the fruit. In fact, there is probably a little cranberry in here too. Like all teas, it packs a good antioxidant punch, with 100 percent of your daily Vitamin C in each bottle (if you care). It goes from a tart tea to a sweet pomegranate as you drink it, which is nice. And, as the label states, it ain't artificial and you can tell. It is really refreshing, which is pretty surprising for a tea. Generally, mixed tea drinks are either really bitter or really sweet, but this is a perfect balance. Katy finished hers already. Case closed.

Rating: ****

AriZona came up big here. I will not be spilling this one, folks. At the end of the day, it is just really good tea. This will certainly now be in my rotation. (It was already in Katy's anyway.) Well played, AriZona. Well played.