Coco Exposed Goji Berry Lychee

I have to say, I've been putting this review off for a while. This bottle has been sitting in the back of my fridge for a solid month now, and now that I'm out of other beverages, it is time to review this one. Not that I think that this is gonna make me blow chunks over my MacBook, but it just never looked that exciting to me. The bottle certainly doesn't pop off a shelf, and definitely not out of a stocked fridge. The flavor, you ask? It's just another infused coconut drink. This type of drink has grown on me though, so I think it'll be pretty good. My only concern? It is 15% Aloe Vera. Yes, the same green goo that you put on sunburn is in this bottle. Goji and Lychee, bring it on, but Aloe? What are we thinking?

Color: Light beer. (But if you happen to be under the age of 10? Apple juice!) With little shreds of fruit pulp floating in it. Ingredients say? Aloe Vera Pulp. I thought Aloe was a leaf! How is there pulp in a leaf?

Smell: Somewhere between bread and Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies. This smell seems to be the sign of fermentation, since the Kombucha I drank earlier smelled like this too. But, according to the ingredients, there isn't any yeast or live bacteria in this drink (or so I hope). The smell honestly makes me think the drink might have gone bad. We'll see.

Taste: Tastes exactly like how it smells. It starts off pretty well, actually. There is a nice citrus flavor present when the drink hits your mouth, but then, the whole experience heads south. As fast as that nice citrus flavor appears, it is replaced with an extremely bitter and almost rotten fruit flavor. Enter Lychee. Yup, this asian fruit is not for me. But that's only the start. After the Lychee fades, you are hit with another rotten flavor, which is much more earthy than the first. That must be the Aloe. And folks, when I say rotten, I don't mean gross, I mean the fruit in this drink was probably infested with maggots when it was juiced. Not to mention that the mouthfeel of the drink is ruined due to the Aloe Pulp. Never again, folks. Never.

Rating: *

Alright, I'll admit. I hated this drink. But I think it is one of those drinks that someone with the right palette could really enjoy. So, just because I didn't like it doesn't mean you won't. Try it out, and see what you think. You can find this one at your local Whole Foods or specialty market.

Columbia Gorge Coconut Water Celery Kale

Celery. Those myths that it burns calories? It does. Cool, right? I always thought so. I still don't like it, (except with my chicken wings) but here I am, drinking this. And then, there's Kale. I don't like that leafy green either. It has a bitter taste that I can't stand. And, you already know how I feel about coconut water. I mean, people! Celery, Kale, and Coconut, in the same bottle? Come on. America has taken health food too far. Go eat a Twinkie or two while I suffer through this one. (And yes, I support the Oxford comma.)

Color: It looks like split pea soup. Or toxic waste. Maybe I'll get superpowers! But really, this is only delaying the inevitable. We all know this will suck.

Smell: God awful. God awful. It smells exactly like what it is. And mixed with pepper. So, it is essentially liquid salad. Enjoy that thought, folks.

I'm so scared guys. Here goes nothing.

Taste: Oh god. It tastes like exactly what it's made of. Celery, Kale, and Coconut water. I took one sip and will not be taking another, for health reasons. It tastes peppery, and veggie-y. Really folks, it's just awful. Who thought this was a good idea? Who? OH GOD WHY IT IS SO FREAKING BAD!!! Even hippies that are obsessed with health and the benefits of veggies will hate this. Never buy this, ever.

Rating: *

The sadists at Columbia Gorge should be subjected to chugging a gallon of this. 'Nuff said. Excuse me while I sprint for an Arnold Palmer to clear this out of my system.

Mamma Chia Cherry Lime

Remember the Chia plant? You know, the Ch-ch-ch-Chia one? You took the terra cotta head, sprinkled the seeds on it, and watered it. Wait a week, and your head has a big head of green, leafy hair. And by now, you've probably realized that those little things floating in there are chia seeds. Yeah, the same ones that gave Scooby his leafy scalp are in this drink. That's the whole gimmick here. Otherwise, it's just a cherry lime drink. I'm actually kind of excited for this one, but at the same time, I'm hoping the chia seeds aren't too bad. Guess we'll find out.

Color: Red with little seeds in it. Everywhere. It could not look more like a jar of fruit preserves, actually. What I don't understand is how the seeds get suspended in the juice without them floating to the top. But not too creepy looking.

Smell: Swedish Fish. No mistaking it. There might be a little cherry in there, but really, it's Swedish Fish. Surprising, considering there's more lime in it than cherry. But it smells fine. 

Before I go to taste, since there is stuff actually in there with the liquid, we'll call it Taste/Texture.

Taste/Texture: That is some weird stuff there. When you first drink it, you don't really notice the seeds, but as it sits in your mouth, you soon realize what you're dealing with. The problem here is not actually the seeds themselves, but the fact that the seeds are surrounded by a little web of slimy fruit flesh. What fruit? The Chia? I don't even have a clue. This odd liquid/mucus/crunch texture, in my opinion, is really hard to swallow, not to mention the fact that you end up chewing your drink, which just feels wrong anyway. And, even worse, the flavor is so light that it can't even get my mind off the crazy little seeds in there. Add sugar and come back, people. It needs some sweetness. Not for me, but I could see some people really enjoying this. 

Rating: *

Bummer. I really wanted to like this. But take my review with a grain of salt, because it might just be my tastes that led me to not like this. I will not drink it again, but you should try it. You might enjoy it as, maybe, a slushy. Who knows? Give it a shot.

Bai Sumatra Dragonfruit

Dragonfruit. Yes, dragonfruit. Odds are, if VitaminWater Power-C (That flavor? The one we all like? Dragonfruit.) didn't exist, you would have no idea that this exotic fruit even existed. And if you've ever had the chance to eat it fresh, it is definitely a treat. And Sumatra? No freaking idea. Don't ask. Anyway, this drink is from a relatively new, unknown company called Bai. (This is what happens when your town gets a Whole Foods.)  I've never seen it before, but it really doesn't look bad at all. The only concern I have is whether it will really taste like dragonfruit or just that tropical flavor we all know and hate. Leggo.

Color: A pretty standard translucent red. It is the color of every other juice drink on Earth, really. For all the exotic stuff on the label, I'm underwhelmed that it looks like Snapple Apple.

Smell: It does smell like dragonfruit. It's likely that you wouldn't know what they smell like, but since I've hunted one down before, I can say it is authentic. 

Taste: Awesome. Just really freaking awesome. (Pours second cup) It does taste like real dragonfruit, almost with passionfruit too. If you don't know what either of those taste like, it is like a really good tropical gum. (Pours third cup) And apparently, it has coffeeberry in it too. Again, don't ask. It does not taste artificial at all, and not too heavy on the flavor either. The fact that this is marketed as low-calorie also keeps it from being too sugary. People, it has 10 calories a bottle! Drink it!

Rating: *****

Folks, we have a winner! This is the first drink to receive all five stars. Overall, this stuff is a really great blend of tropical fruits that is not overpowering or caloric, making it just really awesome overall. You may not find it at every grocery, but keep hunting, 'cause its worth it. And by the way, the whole bottle is empty now. I'm done here.

Zico Chocolate Coconut Water

Okay, so by now you've probably had coconut water. Even if you live in Canada, far from the tropics, companies like Zico and VitaCoco have made this exotic juice common. And normally, it comes mixed with something. If you've had it straight, you are a trooper. But that's besides the point. What I'm saying is that when it comes mixed, it is usually with something also tropical, like mango, or pineapple. But no. This is chocolate. And, yes, it has cream in it. Scared? Yeah. Time to pour!

Color: It is really just opaque brown. Like pudding brown. Not what I'd expect from something that is, in fact, coconut water. This has me concerned already.

Smell: Chocolate. Not coconut, but just chocolate. It is somewhere between hot chocolate mix and chocolate pudding jellybeans. But it smells like good chocolate, not artificial, so this is somewhat comforting.

Taste: It starts out really good. Like, a perfect chocolate jellybean in liquid form. That was awesome. But that only lasted a fraction of a second. You then are bombarded with the bitter taste of straight coconut water, a tough flavor to really verbalize, so I won;t try. And, unfortunately, that is the flavor that lasts after you drink it, not the good chocolate part. It isn't bad, it is just a really odd combination of flavors, and it isn't my favorite. That isn't saying you shouldn't try it; it was legitimately better than I expected it to be. The more I think about it, the more I like it, actually. And hey, it has more potassium than a banana. 

Rating: ***

It wasn't vile like I expected it to be, but it wasn't spectacular either. I won't reach for it over another flavor (except plain) any time soon, but I think this could be a good way to get people to try an otherwise strange type of juice. Worth a shot? Yes. Worth a second shot? Not for me. But you decide.