Coco Exposed Goji Berry Lychee

I have to say, I've been putting this review off for a while. This bottle has been sitting in the back of my fridge for a solid month now, and now that I'm out of other beverages, it is time to review this one. Not that I think that this is gonna make me blow chunks over my MacBook, but it just never looked that exciting to me. The bottle certainly doesn't pop off a shelf, and definitely not out of a stocked fridge. The flavor, you ask? It's just another infused coconut drink. This type of drink has grown on me though, so I think it'll be pretty good. My only concern? It is 15% Aloe Vera. Yes, the same green goo that you put on sunburn is in this bottle. Goji and Lychee, bring it on, but Aloe? What are we thinking?

Color: Light beer. (But if you happen to be under the age of 10? Apple juice!) With little shreds of fruit pulp floating in it. Ingredients say? Aloe Vera Pulp. I thought Aloe was a leaf! How is there pulp in a leaf?

Smell: Somewhere between bread and Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies. This smell seems to be the sign of fermentation, since the Kombucha I drank earlier smelled like this too. But, according to the ingredients, there isn't any yeast or live bacteria in this drink (or so I hope). The smell honestly makes me think the drink might have gone bad. We'll see.

Taste: Tastes exactly like how it smells. It starts off pretty well, actually. There is a nice citrus flavor present when the drink hits your mouth, but then, the whole experience heads south. As fast as that nice citrus flavor appears, it is replaced with an extremely bitter and almost rotten fruit flavor. Enter Lychee. Yup, this asian fruit is not for me. But that's only the start. After the Lychee fades, you are hit with another rotten flavor, which is much more earthy than the first. That must be the Aloe. And folks, when I say rotten, I don't mean gross, I mean the fruit in this drink was probably infested with maggots when it was juiced. Not to mention that the mouthfeel of the drink is ruined due to the Aloe Pulp. Never again, folks. Never.

Rating: *

Alright, I'll admit. I hated this drink. But I think it is one of those drinks that someone with the right palette could really enjoy. So, just because I didn't like it doesn't mean you won't. Try it out, and see what you think. You can find this one at your local Whole Foods or specialty market.

GT's Enlightened Organic Raw Kombucha Multigreen

Kombucha. You guessed it, this is another drink that's a direct result of the Whole Foods that just opened in my town. Of course, I bought it and headed straight to Google. Wanna know what this strange looking concoction is? Fermented tea. Now, that sounds disgusting. But, what's funny here is that it really isn't packaged to look tasty, but instead, packaged to look healthy. Don't get me wrong, I care about health, but shouldn't I want to drink it because it looks good? I mean, the stuff has blue-green algae in it. That was literally the first form of life ever on our planet. And now it is in a beverage? Give me a break. There is so much of the stuff in the bottom of the bottle, I'm gonna have to strain before I pour. I don't think I'll like this, but I'll try my best to stay unbiased.

Color: Oh god. It is truly the deepest, darkest green you can imagine. Scary, actually. Oh, and look what the result of my straining was!

Yup. That stuff is bacteria, it's alive, and I'm sure the strainer didn't catch all of it.

Smell: Yeast. Like, that fermented old-wine-cork smell. Odds are, if this had any more sugar in it, it would be an alcoholic beverage. (Author's Note: There is a ring of bacteria in the glass. Oh god help me.

Taste: (Here goes nothing) It fizzes. Apparently, the fermentation causes so much pressure that it fizzes. But anyway, it is really odd, and not good. It starts with an intense, almost sour fizzing feeling, and then becomes a mix of very earthy, bitter flavors. It is not sweet at all, and it is quite unpleasant overall. Just really, not good. Or at least, for my tastes. I won't be drinking it again any time soon. Then again, I drank a total of 5 mL of it just now, so this review may be a little off.

Rating: *

It fizzes. If it didn't fizz, I'd give it 2 stars solely because I didn't hurl, but it does. So, to the abyss of one-stardom it goes! Unless you enjoy drinking algae, never get this. Ever.

Columbia Gorge Coconut Water Celery Kale

Celery. Those myths that it burns calories? It does. Cool, right? I always thought so. I still don't like it, (except with my chicken wings) but here I am, drinking this. And then, there's Kale. I don't like that leafy green either. It has a bitter taste that I can't stand. And, you already know how I feel about coconut water. I mean, people! Celery, Kale, and Coconut, in the same bottle? Come on. America has taken health food too far. Go eat a Twinkie or two while I suffer through this one. (And yes, I support the Oxford comma.)

Color: It looks like split pea soup. Or toxic waste. Maybe I'll get superpowers! But really, this is only delaying the inevitable. We all know this will suck.

Smell: God awful. God awful. It smells exactly like what it is. And mixed with pepper. So, it is essentially liquid salad. Enjoy that thought, folks.

I'm so scared guys. Here goes nothing.

Taste: Oh god. It tastes like exactly what it's made of. Celery, Kale, and Coconut water. I took one sip and will not be taking another, for health reasons. It tastes peppery, and veggie-y. Really folks, it's just awful. Who thought this was a good idea? Who? OH GOD WHY IT IS SO FREAKING BAD!!! Even hippies that are obsessed with health and the benefits of veggies will hate this. Never buy this, ever.

Rating: *

The sadists at Columbia Gorge should be subjected to chugging a gallon of this. 'Nuff said. Excuse me while I sprint for an Arnold Palmer to clear this out of my system.

Guayaki Yerba Mate Traditional

If you've ever been in a specialty market, you've probably heard of Yerba Mate. If you've ever talked to an Argentinian, you've probably heard of Yerba Mate. If you haven't done either of those, then this stuff is probably pretty foreign to you. Yerba Mate (pronounced Yerba Ma-tay) is a traditional hot Argentinian tea that is served in a gourd (the Mate) with a special straw that filters out the leaves. Now, just because I know this doesn't mean I've ever tasted this stuff. It just means I can search google. But I've never heard of it served cold, so we'll see. 

Color: Looks like iced tea. And it is iced tea, just fancy iced tea. No surprise here.

Smell: It smells like tea, but there's something else there too. It smells like... nature? I guess? I don't know. You decide. It smells really good though, so I'm not too concerned about the taste. Wait, it's pineapple.

Taste: It's pretty lame. Only a little bit of tea flavor, and it isn't some exotic tea flavor either. To me, it tastes like really watery, sugary Lipton.  That's the weird thing. It is way too sweet for a tea drink not mixed with something. Almost like they wanted it to be really sweet, and the tea was an afterthought. There's nothing bad about it, it tastes fine, but at the same time, it's not good because it really doesn't taste like anything at all. Except sugar.

Rating: **

There's nothing disgusting about it, which is why I gave it 2 stars, but I wouldn't drink it again. It just has no flavor at all. It tastes like sugar, looks like beer, and smells like pineapple. Strange...

Mamma Chia Cherry Lime

Remember the Chia plant? You know, the Ch-ch-ch-Chia one? You took the terra cotta head, sprinkled the seeds on it, and watered it. Wait a week, and your head has a big head of green, leafy hair. And by now, you've probably realized that those little things floating in there are chia seeds. Yeah, the same ones that gave Scooby his leafy scalp are in this drink. That's the whole gimmick here. Otherwise, it's just a cherry lime drink. I'm actually kind of excited for this one, but at the same time, I'm hoping the chia seeds aren't too bad. Guess we'll find out.

Color: Red with little seeds in it. Everywhere. It could not look more like a jar of fruit preserves, actually. What I don't understand is how the seeds get suspended in the juice without them floating to the top. But not too creepy looking.

Smell: Swedish Fish. No mistaking it. There might be a little cherry in there, but really, it's Swedish Fish. Surprising, considering there's more lime in it than cherry. But it smells fine. 

Before I go to taste, since there is stuff actually in there with the liquid, we'll call it Taste/Texture.

Taste/Texture: That is some weird stuff there. When you first drink it, you don't really notice the seeds, but as it sits in your mouth, you soon realize what you're dealing with. The problem here is not actually the seeds themselves, but the fact that the seeds are surrounded by a little web of slimy fruit flesh. What fruit? The Chia? I don't even have a clue. This odd liquid/mucus/crunch texture, in my opinion, is really hard to swallow, not to mention the fact that you end up chewing your drink, which just feels wrong anyway. And, even worse, the flavor is so light that it can't even get my mind off the crazy little seeds in there. Add sugar and come back, people. It needs some sweetness. Not for me, but I could see some people really enjoying this. 

Rating: *

Bummer. I really wanted to like this. But take my review with a grain of salt, because it might just be my tastes that led me to not like this. I will not drink it again, but you should try it. You might enjoy it as, maybe, a slushy. Who knows? Give it a shot.