Columbia Gorge Coconut Water Celery Kale

Celery. Those myths that it burns calories? It does. Cool, right? I always thought so. I still don't like it, (except with my chicken wings) but here I am, drinking this. And then, there's Kale. I don't like that leafy green either. It has a bitter taste that I can't stand. And, you already know how I feel about coconut water. I mean, people! Celery, Kale, and Coconut, in the same bottle? Come on. America has taken health food too far. Go eat a Twinkie or two while I suffer through this one. (And yes, I support the Oxford comma.)

Color: It looks like split pea soup. Or toxic waste. Maybe I'll get superpowers! But really, this is only delaying the inevitable. We all know this will suck.

Smell: God awful. God awful. It smells exactly like what it is. And mixed with pepper. So, it is essentially liquid salad. Enjoy that thought, folks.

I'm so scared guys. Here goes nothing.

Taste: Oh god. It tastes like exactly what it's made of. Celery, Kale, and Coconut water. I took one sip and will not be taking another, for health reasons. It tastes peppery, and veggie-y. Really folks, it's just awful. Who thought this was a good idea? Who? OH GOD WHY IT IS SO FREAKING BAD!!! Even hippies that are obsessed with health and the benefits of veggies will hate this. Never buy this, ever.

Rating: *

The sadists at Columbia Gorge should be subjected to chugging a gallon of this. 'Nuff said. Excuse me while I sprint for an Arnold Palmer to clear this out of my system.

Guayaki Yerba Mate Traditional

If you've ever been in a specialty market, you've probably heard of Yerba Mate. If you've ever talked to an Argentinian, you've probably heard of Yerba Mate. If you haven't done either of those, then this stuff is probably pretty foreign to you. Yerba Mate (pronounced Yerba Ma-tay) is a traditional hot Argentinian tea that is served in a gourd (the Mate) with a special straw that filters out the leaves. Now, just because I know this doesn't mean I've ever tasted this stuff. It just means I can search google. But I've never heard of it served cold, so we'll see. 

Color: Looks like iced tea. And it is iced tea, just fancy iced tea. No surprise here.

Smell: It smells like tea, but there's something else there too. It smells like... nature? I guess? I don't know. You decide. It smells really good though, so I'm not too concerned about the taste. Wait, it's pineapple.

Taste: It's pretty lame. Only a little bit of tea flavor, and it isn't some exotic tea flavor either. To me, it tastes like really watery, sugary Lipton.  That's the weird thing. It is way too sweet for a tea drink not mixed with something. Almost like they wanted it to be really sweet, and the tea was an afterthought. There's nothing bad about it, it tastes fine, but at the same time, it's not good because it really doesn't taste like anything at all. Except sugar.

Rating: **

There's nothing disgusting about it, which is why I gave it 2 stars, but I wouldn't drink it again. It just has no flavor at all. It tastes like sugar, looks like beer, and smells like pineapple. Strange...

Mamma Chia Cherry Lime

Remember the Chia plant? You know, the Ch-ch-ch-Chia one? You took the terra cotta head, sprinkled the seeds on it, and watered it. Wait a week, and your head has a big head of green, leafy hair. And by now, you've probably realized that those little things floating in there are chia seeds. Yeah, the same ones that gave Scooby his leafy scalp are in this drink. That's the whole gimmick here. Otherwise, it's just a cherry lime drink. I'm actually kind of excited for this one, but at the same time, I'm hoping the chia seeds aren't too bad. Guess we'll find out.

Color: Red with little seeds in it. Everywhere. It could not look more like a jar of fruit preserves, actually. What I don't understand is how the seeds get suspended in the juice without them floating to the top. But not too creepy looking.

Smell: Swedish Fish. No mistaking it. There might be a little cherry in there, but really, it's Swedish Fish. Surprising, considering there's more lime in it than cherry. But it smells fine. 

Before I go to taste, since there is stuff actually in there with the liquid, we'll call it Taste/Texture.

Taste/Texture: That is some weird stuff there. When you first drink it, you don't really notice the seeds, but as it sits in your mouth, you soon realize what you're dealing with. The problem here is not actually the seeds themselves, but the fact that the seeds are surrounded by a little web of slimy fruit flesh. What fruit? The Chia? I don't even have a clue. This odd liquid/mucus/crunch texture, in my opinion, is really hard to swallow, not to mention the fact that you end up chewing your drink, which just feels wrong anyway. And, even worse, the flavor is so light that it can't even get my mind off the crazy little seeds in there. Add sugar and come back, people. It needs some sweetness. Not for me, but I could see some people really enjoying this. 

Rating: *

Bummer. I really wanted to like this. But take my review with a grain of salt, because it might just be my tastes that led me to not like this. I will not drink it again, but you should try it. You might enjoy it as, maybe, a slushy. Who knows? Give it a shot.