Vertical Maple Water

It shouldn't be too hard to figure out that maple syrup comes from the sap of the maple tree. Odds are, you have a gross, sticky bottle of it somewhere in your cupboard. Yet, it's important to remember that you can't stick a tap into a tree and expect Aunt Jemima to flow out. In fact, the process is much more complex. Each year, in February or March, the sap is removed from the maple tree, boiled down for a very long period of time, and then sweetened to create the classic breakfast topping. Now, this whole process is great -- who doesn't like syrup? -- but it does leave a question to be answered: what comes out of the tree at first?

Well, that's what Vertical Water is. Branded as "Maple Water", it's actually just the direct product of the maple tree, before being boiled or sweetened or put in a bottle shaped like a log cabin. It has the viscosity of normal water, not syrup, and apparently contains a host of nutrients that consumers suddenly require in order to live a healthy lifestyle. Sound familiar? Yeah. This whole product, from the advertising to the packaging, reminds me a lot of the coconut water trend from a few years ago. But, numerous brands have picked up versions of the drink in recent months, so it must not be too bad, right? (Right?...)

Color: Clear and colorless. Not even a hint of brown, like you would expect in maple syrup. Not cloudy, just clear.

Smell: It has a scent to it, but it falls into the category of "can't quite place it". I would say that it smells fresh and almost floral, but not like maple syrup -- at all. It smells good though, no red flags yet.

Taste: It tastes exactly as it smells, which means that I'm going to have a hard time really telling you what it tastes like. I'll say this: had I not been told it was from a maple tree, I wouldn't be able to tell you that it was. It really is just a fresh, floral flavor. It's almost a bit perfume-like, but the flavor is really so light that it isn't off-putting. It's just slightly sweet, and all of the sugar is natural. As a whole, it tastes more like water than anything else. It is extremely light, and I would imagine that if you had a very cold glass of it on a hot summer day, it would be quite refreshing. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Rating: * * * *

The flavor is very light, but I wouldn't necessarily expect it to be a very heavy flavor, so I can't take points off for that. It was refreshing and, frankly, different from any other drink I've had recently, so I enjoyed it. Better than coconut water? Yes. Better than maple syrup? Sorry, no.

Calypso Ocean Blue Lemonade

OK, before I even begin this review, I'd like to make a point very obvious.

THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING IN NATURE THAT IS BLUE.

Seawater: Clear. Not blue.

Blueberries: Purple. Not blue.

The sky: This is a whole physics argument that, frankly, I don't want to dive into right now. (In short, it's not blue -- kind of.)

With this knowledge, it should become clear that the elusive Blue Raspberry does not exist. (I mean, unless you jacked that thing so full of plutonium that Doc Brown tosses it into the DeLorean). Therefore, I've never really understood why the beverage industry is so obsessed with the idea of Blue Raspberry being a flavor. It never actually tastes like anything, just an extra tablespoon or six of sugar and some Blue #1. Calypso, here's where I call you out. I can't think of one decent plain lemonade drink on the market. It's always mixed with something. What's the deal with the blue dye and Raspberry? Here's what you have to do. 

1. Make a decent (yellow) lemonade. Nothing else. Just lemonade.

2. Allow profits to flow.

I expect my employment offer to arrive by next week. It's fine, I'll wait.

Color: Possibly the most horrifying shade yet. It's the most unnatural, menacing, electric blue possible. Keep this away from shirts, pants, hats, and virtually any other item which you value. The slightest contact with such an item will surely stain it for eternity. Also worth noting are the "Real Lemon Bits" floating around in the glass, which are also stained blue. Lovely.

Smell: Sickeningly sweet, and very strangely reminiscent of plain (not vanilla, just plain) yogurt. Not really sure what that indicates about the taste of the drink, but it reinforces my idea that this thing is actually just a bottle of chemistry lab waste.

Taste: Fortunately, it doesn't taste like yogurt. However, it is about as sweet as I've seen a beverage come. Sure to please anyone under the age of 12, but for most people with some sort of taste sensibility, it just comes off way too sweet to be enjoyable for more than one sip. The added "Blue Raspberry" flavor also throws off the overall direction of the drink, making it taste not quite like lemonade, but not really like anything else either. Essentially, it tastes like straight sugar water. The lemon bits are essentially undetectable. However, I do applaud Calypso again for making a lemonade drink with some tartness, as opposed to even more sugar. A little bit of sour actually goes a fair distance in making the drink more sufferable. 

Rating: **

Look, anything that advertises itself as "Ocean Blue" should immediately concern you. It's just not necessary. Unless you're eight years old, pass this one up for something, perhaps, less aquatic. Really.

MetroMint Chocolatemint

Even though Ice Cream isn't really considered a distinctly "American" food the way hot dogs and apple pie are, it's still an awfully popular item here. Think about it: there's ice cream itself, ice cream cakes, ice cream flavored cereal, ice cream flavored coffee, ice cream flavored gum... you see my point. Perhaps the latest addition to this lineup came earlier this month, when Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin Robbins teamed up to release a new set of iced coffee flavors, in classic ice cream flavors such as Butter Pecan and Cookie Dough. Now, even though I'm convinced that stores like Dunkin' and Starbucks are making coffee more and more of a dessert every day, (who needs to add sugar to the cup that already has caramel syrup and whipped cream?), I think it's acceptable for these flavors to be mixed with coffee. After all, coffee is more or less an optional beverage. You don't need it to survive.

Water is different. Now, you know my stance on reviewing water, (I don't like doing it), but this seemed like an exception to that rule. I'm all for the increased consumption of water, but I have to question the necessity of flavoring water like it's an ice cream. This is the stuff our bodies run on, so who thought to flavor it as though it should be served in a waffle cone? Could it be good? Absolutely. Does that make it a good idea? Absolutely not. Here we go.

Color: It's water. Take a guess.

Smell: Not what I expected. Frankly, I didn't expect anything at all. However, it really does smell like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. For a drink without anything artificial in it, this is rather impressive. It's a really pleasant smell, but I'm not sure how it will fare as a full on flavor.

Taste: This will surely be difficult to verbalize. They say that most of your sense of taste comes from your sense of smell, which is certainly the idea at work in this one. Most of the "flavor" of the beverage comes from the smell as you are about to drink it. As far as its actual taste goes, it's mostly just the flavor of water (if that even exists). However, the flavors themselves do kick in right as you swallow the drink, as the mint flavor becomes rather noticeable and actually quite refreshing. The chocolate flavor, which actually is very natural tasting and not at all artificial (real cocoa here), is quite light, but it helps to accent the stronger mint flavor as well. Of course, the chocolate flavor couldn't be that intense due to the lack of any sweeteners in the drink, but I still found it acceptable. Could the flavors have been a little stronger? Certainly, but overall, they made a rather pleasant water.

Rating: ****

It's certainly different. If you don't like soda but still want flavor, it should be perfect. If you want to pretend that you're eating ice cream even though you know you're lactose-intolerant, that's good too. If you want to be condescending to your friends because they aren't refined enough to appreciate the super-light flavors of this drink, power to you. Just don't expect me to drink this over actual water. Because IceCreamogen has no place on the periodic table.